Netflix Announces Plan To Release New, Original Shows And Movies Daily Until The End Of Time


Just when you thought we couldn't possibly get more Netflix Original shows or movies, they go and drop a massive streaming news bomb on the world about their future release schedule. You may have already noticed that Netflix has been hard at work producing tons of original content recently and many people have expressed their concerns about Netflix oversaturating it's own market with filler media instead of quality goods. Well you can rest-assured because the streaming giant has heard your cries and they are planning on ignoring every single one of them. At a recent press conference, Netflix CEO Reed Hastings took to the stage to update customers and shareholders alike on their upcoming plans and strategies for releasing original content. He said in a brief statement:

Reed Hastings shortly after consuming a vile of liquid time that he stole from the souls of his subscribers.

Reed Hastings shortly after consuming a vile of liquid time that he stole from the souls of his subscribers.

"We at Netflix pride ourselves in creating next level, high quality, original content for our customers. Whether it's nostalgic 80's themed sci-fi shows, 90's sitcom reboots, or mediocre blockbusters with actors you sort of recognize, our goal is to create literally anything we can, in order to draw every human being into our platform. Our goal going forward is appese the media gods with a daily sacrifice of good writing, acting, and directing, for the sake of releasing content. We will be releasing a brand new show or movie, every day, until the universe dies off in an inevitable heat death.If you don't like it, move to Hulu (drops mic.")

While Hulu and other streaming services have been struggling to keep pace with the Netflix juggernaut, it would appear that the race is about to get that much more difficult. Handmaid's Tale, Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, The Big Sick, these are just a few examples of the level of quality these companies are capable of producing. The problem is that Netflix has tasted that sweet, sweet, ratings blood and they need their fix. So as Netflix works overtime to keep producing trash content as quickly as possible, it's inevitable that they will implode in on themselves like a dying media star. In the meantime, all we can do is wade through the swampy pool of Netflix originals in an attempt to pull out what's watchable from Reed Hastings cash-filled bowels, and shut down whatever demonic portal is regurgitating the visual filth that is "Open House" and "The Ranch." Gone are the days of the feelings of excitement we felt from seeing the Netflix Originals logo pop in our news feeds. Welcome to the age of CLockwork Orange methods of video consumption where we will literally be forced into a chair with our eyelids held open as we hopelessly scream in terror and beg for it all to end. Long live our media overlord and supreme being, Reed Hastings. 


PS: This article is for humor alone. It's a parody and the quotes in the article are not real.